A few days ago, I was on the bus, minding my business as usual. Behind me, a little boy was playing with his younger sister. In the midst of their playing, the boy said: "Stop it Emma, I don't like it when people touch my tummy."
I was blown away. The boy, who couldn't have been more than 8 years old, clearly stated one of his boundaries. Granted it was unlikely he knew he was doing that, but it struck me none the less.
What's a boundary? It's the line between what you tolerate and do not. I've never been one to set boundaries with people around me and have suffered because of it. I believe the atypical 'moral' person, and even further, Christians who want to love like Christ, don't set boundaries with the people in our lives.
I wrote a post a few weeks back about meekness and the meek inheriting the earth. This post is not meant to be counterintuitive but there is a balance. The bible says: "..love your neighbour as yourself." Mark 12:31.
Here's a scenario. You go to work on Monday and a co-worker slaps you. On Tuesday, you meet up with an old friend and they kick you. At midweek service on Wednesday, a church member pinches you. At Sunday dinner, your brother hits you over and over again. Would you, as a sensible person, allow this to happen week in, week out? Would you say that tolerating it is what Jesus wants you to do? I hope the answer is no. A normal person does not allow or tolerate physical pain continuously. The way we love and demand respect for our physical bodies is how we should also work to preserve our emotional wellbeing.
So why do we allow people to make snide comments or other hurtful actions, knowingly to them or not, in the name of being a good, kind person? A common phrase says, what you allow you attract. So if you allow people to ride roughshod over you, believe you me, that is what you get.
Why do people not set boundaries? I believe the main reason is fear. People fear that if they are firm and state their dislikes, they will be rejected or abandoned. I remember when I was in secondary school and we had moved to Aberdeen from London. My class teacher asked a group of girls to look after me. I guess they got tired of their job, because they started to run away from me at lunch. Although, It would be an overstatement to say I was irrevocably scarred from that experience, a remnant of that fear stayed with me i.e. don't rock the boat, just go with the flow, and people won't have a reason to leave you.
It's now I realise that one cannot live a successful life with such a mindset. Every person has, or should have their limit; things that they simply do not like. There is no sin in letting acquaintances, friends and family members know what these things are, in a firm but calm way.
An example of a boundary is telling your co-worker that you don't like to be spoken down to, especially infront of other staff. Another could be letting your friend know that you would appreciate her asking before taking your belongings. One of my personal boundaries is, 'don't say negative comments to me or around me, about my family, especially my siblings'. Jesus had boundaries too. "Jesus went into the temple courtyard and threw out everyone who was buying and selling there. He overturned the moneychangers' tables and the chairs of those who sold pigeons." Matthew 21:12. He was love personified but He didn't take rubbish! What are yours?
Now it's one thing to have boundaries, and another to communicate them effectively. Stating a boundary is stating a fact. A fact is, in Winter, Aberdeen is cold. If i stated that fact, I wouldn't shout or be upset and angry because whether the person agrees or not, that is the fact. If they don't like that fact, they shouldn't visit Aberdeen in winter! A boundary should be communicated in the same way; without outbursts of emotion. Lets use the example of the condescending co-worker. A good way to communicate the boundary would be to tell them that you don't appreciate being spoken to that way and you would like it if they raised any issue with you in private. All said with a smile on your face :)
So, we know boundaries are important, we've identified what our boundaries are, and we know how to communicate them in the right way. What do you do then if people do not respect your boundaries?
I'm no expert, I'm still learning myself, but I think the first thing is to gauge your relationship with the person. An acquaintance is easier to distance yourself from than a family member for example. If you have communicated your boundary and it is repeatedly not being respected, simply distance yourself from the person. I say this because it is important to love yourself before you can show love to others and that includes your emotional wellbeing. After all, if you don't care about looking after you, who will? Distancing yourself could be interacting less, or minimising your expectations to prevent being hurt.
There is so much to be said about setting boundaries, and I can't cover it all. Suffice to say, they are important both for you and the people in your love.
Here's a great video about boundaries from a Christian perspective:
